10 Astounding Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship
1. Healthy Relationship: You have to be predictable.
When do seeds of mistrust start? When one begins to be suspicious? Why is he doing that? He has never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys new clothes and comes home late from work. He changes his behavior. His behavior becomes erratic. Do you get the picture? Any movement away from expected conduct can become suspect and trust can depreciate.
Focus on acting as expected if you want to build trust. Be consistent in whatever you do. This doesn’t mean you must be following the same pattern over and over again. If there is a sparkle in your eye and a dose of impulsiveness every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. You are to be consistent in your words and in your deeds.
2. Love and trust: Let your spouse aware when you become “unpredictable.”
Nothing is permanent in life, even our attitudes can be changed at any time. We all make shifts and changes. Sometimes we may be quite clueless about the situations we are going through and where we are going. Those times may be very severe and we do some stupid things or make unintelligent decisions. Life can get very funny and unpredictable.
Growth and development in an individual, marriage or family often go with a little chaos. Welcome these changes, for there is a part of you seeking for something better, different, richer, deeper, but for heaven’s sake, let your partner know what you are going through.
You can say, ‘’actually I don’t know the way am feeling right now, but I’m moving in a different path’’. Please be patient with me until I find out what is happening. I might do some stupid things, but my intention is not to hurt you or scare you.
3. Relationship tip: Make sure your words match the message
Your words and your actions must say the same thing. When your spouse hears one thing from you but your tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions are saying another thing entirely, your relationship is heading in a wrong direction.
Which message is she to believe? This can be a waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to believe most of what you are saying. Here’s an example. You are getting ready to go to an official dinner.
Your wife just dressed up and comes to you, “How do I look?” She asked. (And she’s wearing a dress you don’t really like and her hair pulled back in the way that turns you off) Not to mess up that evening you excitedly say, “You look beautiful.”
You don’t actually mean it and a part of her knows you really don’t mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not look like a big deal – we all have done something related – but if trust is shaky to start with, it is even shakier now. Here’s how to harmonize the words with the nonverbal: “I think you are a gorgeous person.”
I want you to know that I cherish you and it will be great to have you by my side this night. Others will appreciate your beauty. (As you say this, looking into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She’s not bothered much with how she looks but she needs an expressing of affirmation.
She’s not concerned about her dress or hair, but about desiring to know the evening is going to be just fine. You respond to the real message. Trust is aware of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!
4. Trust in a relationship: Believe the other person is competent.
I hear this phrase every now and then: “But, I don’t want to hurt him.” A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the talent of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings understanding and harmony.
She considers truth-telling is disparaging or requiring some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never disparaging and can be demonstrated in loving ways. (With that said what we believe to be the truth may really be a vague perception that matches our personal needs.) Or, she may perceive the other person as a timid; someone she believes cannot handle exact personal altercation.
She doesn’t believe that the other person has the internal might, strength or ability to be in a relationship of mutual respect and fairness. The other person picks up on this distrust and behaves the way he does to avoid the personal argument as well.
Don’t assume that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has no internal might and ability to handle anything. You should build trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. “Hey, she believes I can handle this! Hmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!”
5. Be very careful about keeping secrets.
If he knows there is a cow in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the cow takes up remarkable space in the relationship. It takes strength for him to walk around it. She may not see the cow but knows he is bending his neck to look through something. She will be inquisitive, mildly concerned, have sensitivity but no words to wrap around them might be thinking if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her perception KNOWS a cow is there.)
And, when we can’t believe the messages that come within us, we find it very difficult to believe the messages of the other person. Secrets demand great energy and eat away trust. The relationship is damned never to experience wall-banging closeness.
This is why extramarital affairs are so destructive. She is not so much worried about him engage in sex with someone else as she is about the infidelity, distrust, the secrets, and dishonesty that are crazy making and energy draining.
Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and reveal the 21 secrets of your illegitimate past behaviors. If you have made an amendment, i.e. forgiven yourself, realize those behaviors, learned from them and were able to utilize them to make the internal moves vital for your personal growth, they do not qualify as a cow.
Hopefully, in the course of developing intimacy in your relationship, you may want to share some of those occurrences as you reveal to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without negative feelings.
However, if a secret takes up space, i.e. still has an emotional charge and prevent you from revealing more and more of yourself in the developing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be discussed with your partner.
6. Trust & Love: Let your needs be made know
She feels the trust and relationship wear away, is scared and wants to “win him back.” So she starts making every effort to work on the marriage. She invites him to do as she does. He may grudgingly agree. She tries to be nice and meet every need he ever said he had.
She is trying to make an amendment. Her eyes are captivated on him. Why is she doing this NOW! She’s optimistic, but in the long run that turns to resentment. Her basic reason – if I can fulfill his heart desires, he will feel good and meet mine – just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is.
Naturally, he doesn’t say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so kind and loving? Trust fall apart under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do you want to discuss with me? Examine her personal need system. She replied “I want to discuss my personal needs with you.
I would like to discuss with you how to work out a way so that my desires will be met. Are you ready for that?” He has a choice either to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what your needs are, certainly.”
Have you ever been around somebody who said clearly what they needed or wanted? Didn’t you admire that person? Since you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
7. State who YOU are loud.
It is very disheartening to see those in relationships of emotional investment restrain from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by assigning your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most do well. Most of us have a hard time declaring our SELF.
Don’t you feel like you move through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, targets, achievements, challenges and the external realities? Don’t you tend to concentrate on those things out there or that person out there? You’re anxious about what he is thinking; how he is reacting to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be a problem and where he will fit in your life?
Your discussions may be agreeable but shallow and boring. You talked about things, relationships and events out there. You are unwilling to share your thoughts, ideas, and impressions or take a stand. But neither does it destroy trust nor does it create it. And, if you do stand your ground it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrench you as you react against someone.
Take some time to contemplate on your standards. What are your values for a relationship? Or what values do you hold for yourself? Why do you order your life around? Where are the 5 top standards in your life? What are some themes that you live by? Are you knowing for something?
And then begin letting important people in your life know. They will appreciate you and cherish you deeply. Besides, they will be very grateful for the opportunity to know you. You will be recognized as a person of good character. They will trust and rely on you.
8. Learn to say NO!
Sometimes you have no option than to say NO! Often it is important to say NO! Saying NO will set a boundary around you and protects you from being hurt. Likewise saying NO will save you from venturing into territory that will be disparaging to your heart and soul.
You stop enduring that which weakened energy and makes you less than YOU. In addition, you refuse to allow the bad behaviors of others to destroy you. You do this by telling the other person about what they are doing. You ask them to stop.
If they don’t stop, walk away without a sarcastic remark, eye-roll or comment. To some, this seems inconsiderate but saying NO is appreciated. Fear is the root of mistrust. If you fear that someone will harm you and believe you have no option but to tolerate that hurt, fear will prevail.
How can you trust when you are anxious? Saying NO, defending yourself, let the other person aware that you will not live in fear. This usually makes the other person like you. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse defeat to that which is destructive, the other person will come to trust you and see you as a person who can protect him or her as well.
9. Charge Neutral.
When your spouse says something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of points of contention in a relationship. I often hear people react by defending themselves (to a seeming attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in mistrust and fear.
Rather than responding and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charges neutral. Communicate quietness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don’t speak with a loud voice. Control your voice! Say what you should say, say the truth and do it directly and peacefully.
You can do this, once you put your fears under control. It will significantly change the flow of the relationship. You will have the ability to point out something big, without exaggerating. You will able to control yourself. This not only feels great, but your spouse trusts that you won’t fall apart. You will understand your own power.
This makes you look beautiful. People normally believe someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the wellbeing of themselves and others? Your spouse will love the fact that she can trust you every time to operate from your “quiet center,” remain busied, not back off and speak the reality with conviction and calmness.
10. Dig into the dirt.
Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, troubles, doubts, disorder, uproar, change, stretching, and growth. They develop into the grist from which your life is twisted and formed. Be courageous when faced with chaos, distress, crisis, questions, and doubts. When the time is right, seek them out. Dig into the grime of your relationship and discover the treasures.
Do you actually believe that this can happen? The reason for your relationship is to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be the result, but your other is given to you to shift you to where you really want to be. Hindrance, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you deliberately write the script of your life independently and together.
Embrace the difficult. Believe that in this embracing you will discover more of your real self. Believe that you are given the means and capability to face what you and your spouse are to face. Once you are able to accept and believe these ultimate purposes, trusting your mate will be that much easier.