The Plain Truth about Marriage and Divorce
Anytime two people are in love, what occupies their thoughts is the need to share the rest of their lives together. This loving idea often leads to the altar, and in the long run to having children. Marriage by tradition is a union bound in heaven, an agreement between two people who commit to living together …through riches or poor, through sickness and in health.
Table of Contents
2. The plain truth about marriage and divorce
3. How to have a happy life after divorce
4. Who suffers more in a divorce?
5. Tips for avoiding a divorce
6. The mistakes a woman should avoid when opting for divorce
7. Protecting your children from your divorce
8. Successful parenting after separation
Having their family becomes the next blessing that may even consider as more blissful than the actual wedding. As a family, they share many things together, including joys, sorrows, and everything in between. The joy of each other’s company becomes the hallmark of their family.
SOME MARRIAGES ARE NOT LAST FOREVER
However, some marriages do not last due to unfortunate events. Just as some fairy tales do not end with happily ever after. It is the truth that many couples do have a disagreement that later leads to irreconcilable. Rather than continue to live like cat and dog, some feuding couples see separation, annulment, or divorce as the solution to end their cracked relationship.
MARRIAGE & SEPARATION
A lot of marriages end up in divorce because when two people get married, they do so without considering the massive responsibilities and challenges that come with the conjugal contract. The total number of drive-in marriage booths in our society evidently point out the rather low regard people place in the institution of marriage. Most people usually got married that way in society. Mr. Taiwo Ojuolape married her old friend from school, and less than two months, she got divorced.
DIVORCE & SEPARATION HAVE NEGATIVE EFFECT ON CHILDREN
Another reason for the high rate of separation and divorce include cases of adultery or concubinage. Naturally, separation and divorce brings anxiety upon the marriage partners, but often, more on the children. Having a divorce can be both erratic and frightening.
THE NEGATIVE IMPACT OF DIVORCE
For finishing this whole process means the ruin of the total foundation of the family and the staggering costs of alimony and child support. Uneasiness is present in divorce discussions because the couple is not in good terms. A marital crisis is a family disaster that would need years of emotional healing if only to regain the self-worth and loyalty of every person in the family.
THE IMPLICATION OF DIVORCE IN CHILDREN
Probably the two involved in the marriage, the ones who need emotional restorative the most are the children. Children are not ready to face serious emotional and mental trauma. Children with divorced parents are nearly suffering from anxiety. The ordeal is normally seen in their poor performance in school and miserable behavior at home.
CHILDREN FROM BROKEN HOMES NEED SPECIAL CARES
With low self-esteem, most teenagers from broken homes resort to drugs and join gangs to find an alternate home or family. In any case, emotional healing is important if children are to be prepared or reformed from the emotional scars that were caused by their parents’ failed marriage. While keeping the marriage relationship intact may be the best, at times the possibility of divorce is taken by couples to prevent their children from becoming collateral damage in a situation where parents are constantly fighting.
How To Have a Happy Life After Divorce
Actually, think about living life after divorce while getting a divorce can be an attachment point for some people since they are not sure what their life will “look like” after divorce.
Here are the 5 things to keep in mind so as to have a life after divorce:
Life after divorce item 1: Think about how to be emotionally stable.
If you opt for divorce or not, you must face it bluntly.
Divorce is tough and whether you’re going through it or you have already experienced it, your emotional stability is of crucial significance because you might tend to be quite touchy after going through emotional pain. Remember that your life after divorce can be great but you have to accept that you will go through (or have gone through) a difficult time in your life. Accept this and facing your circumstance bluntly is significant to your emotional stability and important to you having a happy life after divorce.
Life after divorce item 2: Look at the bright side, living life after divorce might be a fresh start for you!
How many times do you wish in your life you could have just started over knowing what you know now? If you just say ‘’many’’, don’t bother, that is a normal thought most of us have. Having optimism about your new beginning will make a lot of difference in how happy you will be after divorce.
Life after divorce can be far-fetched and it can also be very tough if you don’t remain optimistic about your future. Look at the glass as being “half full” and understand that, in order to be cheerful after divorce, you must take advantage of the opportunity to get a new start!
Life after divorce item 3: Be in the midst of the people you like in your spare time.
More often than not most people start new relationships with just about anybody since they are lonely while getting a divorce or after getting a divorce. Starting a relationship, romantic or friendly, with any person and everyone who will spend time with can contribute to depression in your life after divorce. Stop and reflect about the people that you spend time with and ask yourself,
As soon as my emotional turmoil has ended, would I really want to keep the relationship going with this person?” Life after divorce is hard. So when you’re making your mind up about divorce, going through one, or previously have been through a divorce, ensure that you carefully pick who to spend your spare time with or you may fall into more pessimism in your life after divorce.
Life after divorce item 4: Ensure you always doing things that you like to do every week.
Remember to spend time enjoying your life after divorce -keep in mind to ‘stop and smell the roses’. Some people commit suicide, work, go into hiding or put on unnatural behavior after getting a divorce and their successive life after divorce isn’t as healthy as possible. At least once a week has the time to go and do anything that you actually enjoy doing. This will help you cope with your life after divorce in a more pleasant manner.
Life after divorce item 5: Set specific goals and execute a plan to achieve those goals.
Life after divorce is a turbulent time, your life can ostensibly be ‘in the balance’. In order to ensure that you are okay about yourself and benefit from the feeling that achievement brings, think about a goal or set of goals that you’ve always had but never achieved. Then, list those goals and create a plan to attain them, one by one. Execute each plan and be joyful (in fact celebrate) once you’ve attained your goal.
Your life after divorce will better and improve if you take this notion to heart and follow it. Imagine your life after divorce (and thinking about what your life could be like after divorce) is a sound and rational thing to do in order to be cheerful after divorce. Your life after divorce does not need to be a continuance of the sorrow you might have gone through or are currently going through.
Life after divorce can be tremendously beneficial if you act based on logic plus positive emotions rather than pessimism. If divorce is prominent or you’ve already been through a divorce, make sure you actually plan your life after divorce.
Who Suffers More In A Divorce?
The name divorce has been a common word for people that need it, or just take it as style on self-realization for the continual illusion for the search of Miss or Mr. Right for a mate in life. Even in the limits of the most settled or reputable homes, the word divorce lingers as a threat to the solemnity of marital partnership because of the environmental changes in trends, society ignoring some already practiced social principle.
THE RATE OF DIVORCE IS HIGHER IN MOST ADVANCE COUNTRIES
Scaring of divorce is no longer accounted in advance countries such as United States, Japan, Korea, and Canada, the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth. In fact, the rise in America, Canada, United Kingdom, and the Commonwealth countries is remarkable that it becomes more of a fashion in today’s civilization. There are some countries, more strongly attached to their established roots and principles such as the Philippines and some other Asian countries that just ignore away any proposal in the legislature to adapt divorce.
These countries although they could distinguish the real need of divorce are simply not adept toward the implication of some tough realities experienced by some people within the marital partnership. These people are overwhelmed by circumstances and problems that can’t be resolved and the only solution is to resolve to a legal means to exempt each other from the burden of marriages brutalities that bond husband and wife who find no way out to their differences.
IN RELIGIOUS CONTEXT, DIVORCE SHOULD NOT BE THE BEST OPTION
In the Bible, Jesus speaks of divorce in extraordinary unresolved cases in married life. However, though, the situation in what he wanted to apply in the type of divorce he taught profusely tampers, that of not marrying anymore. However sticking to the spiritual rule, ‘’Let no man put asunder.’’
The effect of divorce to the defunct family (husband, wife, and children), the effects carried about in that marriage (dividing substance things acquired, rights covered by the law, such as care for children, alimony, etc) is marvelous. Legal fights in courts find it so unpleasant to the growing children. Other kids who are growing up psychologically immature are thrown to shocking state they suffer for the rest of their lives.
DIVORCE PUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE COUPLE TO AN END
Since divorce is the termination of marriage, immediately it is approved, marriage became null and void. The dissolution that makes the partnership void does not, however, carry with it the effects that marriage carries.
There are so many circumstances that the law enforcement to protect the psychological, sociological and the emotional health of the each, particularly the children, defending their present and future lives.
Allowing the husband and wife to marry instantly after the divorce is of two different conditions. The man could remarry as soon as possible whereas the woman has to wait for specified days under the provision of the law. This is due to the stipulation as to the fatherhood of any child born to the woman after some time she remarries.
To avoid looming perplexity on paternal claim and responsibilities, additional time is set for her to remarry that will make specific assurance; the child has not been fathered by the divorced husband. In the presence of uncertainty because there was disagreement in the time of remarriage, the second man should accept or conform to his fatherly status to the child, and agreeable to full support both ethical and material.
It passes thru the legal process within the capacity of the duly accepted standard of conduct of the present husband. It may not automatically undergo formal legal procedures but whatsoever the concerned parties had agreed upon privately, may be endorsed by the law. This rings true to divorced spouses. Any deal between them in like manner will also be ratified.
THE MAJOR TYPES OF DIVORCE
There are two types of divorce, the total and the partial. The former is the legal terminations of marriage union because of the bad behavior of either one or both parties after the divorce has been processed. It also concerns about other constitutional causes arising after the separation.
Immediately after divorce, the husband and wife become single again. While the later is just like a separation decree. It ends only the cohabitation of concerned husband and wife. It does not state the termination of marriage, and their status is not changed.
Tips For Avoiding A Divorce
If your marriage full of trouble but you want to avoid divorce, by all means, you should know that you have great choices for saving the marriage. The resources and tools used to put the broken pieces back together will depend on the reason for the crisis. For instance, if your wife or husband was unfaithful, counseling can often help sort things out. So, before you do anything, you need to know the reason for the problem in the first place.
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FINANCIAL CHALLENGE LEADS TO DIVORCE
Apart from infidelity, couples struggle with financial challenges, which is a major factor that can lead to divorce. Naturally, both couples work full-time, which helps pay for the house, car, raising kids, paying bills, and even vacation. Regrettably, many couples exceed their limit, meaning they live on borrowed money.
EXCESSIVELY SPENDING MAY LEAD TO DIVORCE
When a couple spends more than they earn, massive stress takes over, leading to fights. Before long, the husband and wife are at variance on who earn more, what should or should not be bought, who was at fault, and so on. Then to worsen the matter, phone calls and collection companies begin to call wanting to know where the mortgage, car, or credit payments are. For the married couple, the situation soon becomes too much to handle.
SEEK THE SERVICES OF FINANCIAL ADVISOR
If you notice that you and your partner are on the verge of divorce specific to problems with finances, for the sake of the marriage, go visit a financial advisor or credit counseling establishment to help get things back on track. Counselors will act as the go-between you and your creditors. in reality, these counselors are experts who help set up a repayment plan and then work on a financial plan for the future.
The mere fact that a married couple is having financial challenges does not mean divorce is looming. Actually, using a third party or adviser can be a great assistance. The blame-game will end and the problem will come to an end. Start by putting any disparity aside and stop accusing each other. Then, make a solid plan for getting out of debt while also saving money.
LACK OF GOOD COMMUNICATION MAY LEAD TO DIVORCE
Most prominently, to prevent divorce, start communicating. Unless you discuss, you can never work things out. Remember that good communication does not mean shouting, it means talking like a mature person. Therefore, have time so that both of you can sit down and discuss the current situation. If the situation is still getting out of hand, the services of a professional marriage counselor can help. Although it takes time with perseverance and determination, divorce can be avoided.
SEPARATION AND DIVORCE: The MISTAKES A WOMAN SHOULD Avoid When Opting For Divorce
A marital divorce resolution is NOT a precise science. If a financial divorce arrangement was a directly mathematical equation, we wouldn’t need judges and lawyers to resolve matters. Courts are generally needed, under Family Law legislation, to take into account a number of factors in deciding who gets what.
A lot of women settle for a 50% split of the marital property WITHOUT considering matters such as important disparities between what your husband make and your own monthly income and any limitations your age or health might have on your ability to earn income.
Another mistake is allowing the other partner to retains the conjugal home whereas you have the capability to buy him out. Real estate property usually increases in value without you having to do anything. If you pass this up and your other half pays you out then the problem often is that you don’t have sufficient money to purchase a property of your own. Deposits, stamp duty, legal fees etc. can make purchasing another home out of your reach.
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Some women will decide to retain the marital home when they really CAN’T afford to maintain it. If taking over your husband’s share in the house is going to make you take out a big loan, you can factor in the monthly loan reimbursements PLUS outgoings such as taxes, house insurance, public liability insurance, and general maintenance costs. Only then will you realize whether or not you can really afford to keep the house.
Another mistake most women normally make is failing to take important matters such as alimony and child support into account BEFORE agreeing on a division of the marital property. These are ONE of the matters that should deal with.
It is the current worth of property that needs to be taken into consideration – not replacement value. This means that if the family car is worth N800, 000, it is a lot better to retain it. A lot of women find themselves wanting a vehicle to get the children to and from school; football training etc. and they ought to spend twice what the family car was worth just to replace it.
The same mistake occurred every now and then when it comes to the matrimonial furniture and effects. They are usually secondhand (though only recently bought) and therefore are not worth a lot of money. For instance, the refrigerator that you bought for N40, 000 may now only worth a few hundred nairas. Maintaining the bulk of the furniture will avoid you having to pay much money to replace it.
Although property settlements may occasionally be cordial, it doesn’t mean they are fair. It is better to reject the inflated financial values your husband will probably put on property that you want to retain and the undeserving value he’s likely to put on any property he really wants to retain.
It is shocking to find women (and occasionally men) quarreling over the little things. By this I mean, fighting for objects of little financial worth. It is senseless paying hundreds of naira in legal fees arguing who is going to get N20, 000 wedding vase or an N50000 stamp collection.
Another mistake is ignoring other assets such as land, lorry, equipment, pensions, retirement funds, stocks, shares and life insurance as marital property and/or financial resources.
Many women believe that if they go “soft” on their property agreement entitlements, their husband will be easier to cope with as regards the children. This approach seldom produces the desired outcome. The only real result usually is that your other half perceives you to be weak.
Another usual mistake is seeking divorce financial planning advice from attorney instead of a financial planner. What do lawyers know about monetary planning?
Some women have the wrong notion that by reaching a casual agreement with their husband that is lawfully binding. It is not so even though it’s written down and both parties have signed it.
Lastly, many women just surrender to their husband because that’s what they’ve always done. Now is the time to fight for your right. You are facing a divorce, which means that more than ever before, you need to be concerned with your financial future!
Protecting Your Children From Your Divorce
Any child going through a divorce is going to experience some emotional traumatic: sorrow, frustration, and rejection or abandonment. As parents, it is imperative to help children through this hard time in their lives and do care for them as much as possible from the divorce procedure itself, and the changes that will crop up, both now and in the future.
As a parent, there are many things that you can do to assist your kids to get through the divorce with as little difficulty as possible. Both parents working together on this target can make it even easier for their children.
Children at this period need more love and care from parents than they did before the divorce. You should be telling your children every now and then that you love them. Be thinking of them at all times, and always be there for them. Try spending some additional time with your children and encourage them to talk about their anxiety or fears.
Support and security
Just like love, children need to feel that they are caring for, protect and secure during the divorce. Usually, children feel very timid about their rapport with one or both of their parents. They may think that the parent that moves out of the house has abandoned them. Discuss with children about the divorce. Assure them that both parents will have an important role to play in their lives. Show children your love and loyalty to them by being there.
Children may feel that the guardian parent may not have the financial capability to support them; particularly if money is an issue in the divorce or in the difference leading up to the divorce. Reassure your kids that you have this under control. Children should not worry about financial affairs; they need to know that Mom and Dad have this handled.
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Kids need to see that Mom and Dad can still work together to be good parents. Children should not expose to fighting, bad comments about the other parent, or disagreement between parents. If you have a serious conflict, try leaving the children with a friend and have the other parent pick them up there so that there is no need to meet face to face. It is important that children not expose to the pressure and uneasiness of parental conflict.
Discuss with your extended families to ensure that they follow the same expectations for providing love, support, and positive comments. Encourage your kids to talk to another immediate family about the divorce if they feel at ease with this.
Set a routine and schedule
Without wasting time, set a program for children to spend time with both parents. Try to keep to the program as much as possible. This makes the children to plan for times with both parents and to feel a part of both parents’ lives.
Make sure to set similar expectations for chores, discipline and daily schedule in both Mom’s house and Dad’s house. This is important if you have younger kids; they will adjust to spending time in both homes.
Successful Parenting After Separation
Separation is a difficult time for many parents since it is a change to a new way of life. There are both positive and negative issues to separation and the corresponding changes. One of the problems that can happen is the disparity that parents may have in the manners that they parent their children. The major thing that parents need to deal with is that they should put the best interests of the kids first.
They should continue to be the best parents to their children, even if they no longer live in the same home. In order to put the welfare of the kids first, parents who separate must consider the following issues, and decide how they can achieve the goal of putting their children first and give love, protection, and safety for their children.
Maintaining the lines of communication is very important to continue successfully parenting the kids. Many believe that the other parent is responsive to scheduling changes, school events, excursions or other issues affecting the child. More often than not parents expect kids to be the messengers between them. This is not easy and this may be an emotionally dangerous role for your child to play.
Parents should agree on a method that will make them continue to talk about their kids and to work together. They should make choices in the best interests of the children. The mode of communications can be through chat, phone calls or personal meetings, depending on the level of the clash.
No matter how cautiously you plan or program your life there are always things that arise out of your control. As parents, it is imperative to understand that this can happen to you, your ex-spouse and your kids. So you should let the other parent and the kids have time together whenever possible.
Joint decision making
If there is communicate as co-parents, it is essential to consider joint decision-making as the best interests of the children. It is also important to get the other parent’s contribution and view to avoid further conflict down the line. Many parents want to be a part of their kids’ lives. Though they don’t live in the same home as the kids and using a joint decision-making process helps them continue related to the children. It also helps to provide a sense of security for the children.
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Stay positive about the other parent
It is very important to let the kids have the most positive relationship. The more positive, and polite that Mom and Dad stay together, the safe the kids will view their new lives. Children need to realize that separated parents are still Mom and Dad even if they live in different homes.
Let your explanations be clear to your children, and avoid any bad comments about the other parent. As separated parents stay flexible, speak about the kids and allow maximum contact between your kids and the other parent.