Marriage Issues: The Best Way to Solve It

Marriage Issues: The Best Way to Solve It

Marriage Issues, part 1

This is part 1 of the 5-part series to make a marriage successful)


It was Florence’s marriage issues counseling session with me, but it didn’t take long before tears began to flow on her cheeks. I married the man of my dreams, but I was miserable, she said, reaching out to wipe away her tears. We love so much and now everything is falling apart. We fought and far from time. I love John and I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know what to do. Actually, I don’t know why this happened. I seem increasingly angry and getting angry and he is getting farther away.



What makes you angry? I ask.

John kept away from me. He works longer and longer. But even on weekends when he is at home, he just looks far away. He watches TV, plays computer games, or works in a workshop in his workshop. When I tried to talk to him about it, he was even more deadly. We can’t talk at all anymore.



Just like Florence and John, most couples are ensnared in a dysfunctional relationship structure, wondering what happened to the love and passion they had at the beginning of their relationship.


The two main things that might damage your relationship with your partner:


Fear of rejection: losing someone else’s love through anger, judgment, emotional withdrawal, physical withdrawal, or death.



Marriage Issues: losing yourself because you are controlled, consumed, attacked, suffocated, dominated, and swallowed by the demands of others.



Until this marriage issue is healed, you will likely react defensively whenever they are triggered. Florence reacted angrily when her fear was turned down, while John pulled in when his fear was triggered.


You may react in different defensive ways, but the results will be the same – your reactive behavior stemming from marriage issues or cheating will trigger your partner’s fear of rejection or fraud. Now you both act out of fear. Together you have created an insecure space where love and intimacy will gradually erode.


Most of us haven’t learned to stay open to issues in our marriage- abandoned, swallowed, or controlled triggered. If, when this problem is activated, you focus on who is guilty or who starts, you perpetuate the problem. Blaming your partner for your problem, and also because of the reactive behavior that you don’t like, makes the relationship feel insecure.


You both end up feeling bad, each believes that your pain is a result of your partner’s behavior. Maybe you feel victimized, helpless, stuck, and cut off from your partner. Perhaps you really want your partner to see what he is doing that (in your opinion) causes your pain. You think that if your partner only understands this, he will change – and you exhaust yourself to find out how to make your partner understand.


Over time, passion dries up. Superficiality, boredom, the battle, and apathy replaced him.


Double fear of LOSSING OTHERS through rejection and LOSS OF SELF through being swallowed up by others is a fundamental cause of reactive, non-loving, reactive behavior. These marriage issues deeply rooted. They cannot be cured or overcome by GETTING the love of others. Instead, you must cure this issue before you can SHARE love – giving and receiving love – with your partner.


The key to doing this is learning how to create a safe inner space where you can work with and overcome the issues in your marriage. In this series, I will show you a powerful six-step process that you can use to create and maintain the inner security you need to be strong enough to be loved.


Only when you have achieved deep safety and strength in yourself can you create a safe relationship space. Florence gradually learned to stop attacking her husband and cared for herself lovingly every time her marriage problems emerged. She learned to create inner security when she felt threatened rather than trying to make John make her feel safe from her fears.


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You can also do this. In fact, every two people who want to learn to create their own inner security can also learn to create a safe relationship space where their intimacy and passion will develop and their love will last. The rest of the article in this series will guide you through this the six-step healing process.

Marriage Issues, Part 2

(This is part 2 of the 5-part series about making a marriage successful)

Are you in a long-term relationship where you often fight or feel distant, disconnected and without passion? Or, do you find yourself going well until a conflict arises, and then you can’t seem to find a way to solve it?


Do you try to win by being angry and defensive or giving up to avoid the anger and self-defense of others? Have you found yourself closed, numb, or resistant most of the time? Do you and your partner love each other, but hatred is building because all conflicts and communication problems have not been resolved?



Marriage issues occur when anxiety and depression and the loss of others (engulfment) have been triggered. Each of us has learned a protective way to try to control getting the love we need and avoiding the pain we believe we cannot handle. As soon as one of these fears is triggered, we automatically enter the ways we learn to protect from pain and try to control others to be what we want to be.



When we are angry, give up, withdraw or reject, this protective and controlling behavior often activates our partner’s protective control behavior. Interactions that occur may be filled with anger, blame, judgment, self-defense, explain, deny, withdraw, and oppose. Love does not develop in the face of this difficult interaction.



In this series, I will show you how the 6-Step Inner Bonding the process can be used to completely change your marriage problem.


The simplified Six Steps version is:

1. Willingness

2. Choose an intention to study

3. Dialogue with feelings

4. Dialogue with Your Greater Strength

5. Take loving action

6. Evaluation of actions.



We will start with the First Step of Inner Bonding: Willingness. In Step One, you choose to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, instead of resorting to protective, controlling, and addictive behavior.


You cannot change your automatic reactive behavior until you realize the fear that triggers them.

What do you feel in your body when someone is angry, blaming, or judging you?

What do you feel in your body when someone is turned off, withdrawn, or becomes immune to you?


Recommended: Unhappy Marriage- How to Know When It Really Ends


Take a moment to adjust to your body and see how it feels when your problem or anxiety becomes triggered. What happens to your stomach, throat, heart, arms, and legs? Is your body full of adrenaline and going to war or running reacting to stressful responses?



You cannot start reacting differently when your problem or strike is triggered until you know that anxiety is being activated. You will unconsciously continue to respond with your learned protection until you become aware of what you are protecting.



We have all learned many ways to avoid feelings and be aware of our feelings. All addictive substance abuse, the addiction process, reactive behavior towards others, and judgmental thoughts about ourselves are ways to avoid feeling deep loneliness, as well as helplessness in the behavior and feelings of others, which is the essence of all addictive behavior.



When your partner acts by the issue in marriage or controlling you, this deep loneliness and helplessness are activated. But this is a difficult feeling to feel that most of us will turn to the addictive behaviors we learn to avoid. We will try to have control over others by being angry, judging or giving up, or we will try to control the pain of loneliness with the substance and process of addiction.



The only way out of this is to willingly feel the feelings of loneliness and helplessness that are very challenging to others and learn to manage these feelings rather than avoid them. If you learn to accept and manage these feelings instead of resorting to the controlling behaviors you learn, you will begin to change the system of dysfunctional relationships that might erode your marriage.



Recommended: The Best Way to Change Maiden Name After Marriage


The Six-Step Process Inner Bonding is the process of getting out of your automatic reactive behavior and being kind and loving towards yourself and your partner. The remaining articles in this series will show you how to do this.



marriage issues


Marriage Issues, Part 3

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offer a simplified version of the Six Step healing process from Bonding In:

1. Willingness

2. Choose an intention to study

3. Dialogue with feelings

4. Dialogue with Your Greater Strength

5. Take loving action

6. Evaluation of actions.


Part 2 explains what it means to be in Step One what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, instead of resorting to behaviors that protect and control.


We will now move to Step Two: Choosing the intention to learn.


In Step Two, you are open to learning the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that cause your pain. You let go of the belief that your partner causes your anxiety and you are willing to take full responsibility, 100% for feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, rejection, abandonment, numbness, guilt, shame, quiet, loneliness or depression. In Step Two, you are open to your High Self so that you can lovingly embrace your painful feelings and learn about what you might do to cause it.



For example, Florence felt angry, alone, rejected and abandoned because John spent a lot of time at work. She had been bothering her husband, judging him for hours and blaming him for her feelings. The result of this is that John is getting busy. He will obviously oppose, does not want to be controlled by his wife.



Florence used her anger and mistakes to avoid pain. She was addicted to staring at her husband and making him responsible for her feelings. When he spends time with her, she feels happy and worthy, and when he doesn’t, she feels anxious and insecure.



If she practices the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, she will start with Step One – welcoming and lovingly embracing anger, solitude, fear, and revenge. She will be with these feelings just as a loving parent will be with an injured child with kindness and deep affection towards him.



Then, instead of getting into her usual patron, controlling her husband, blaming his feelings for her anger, grumbling and complaining, she will move to Step Two, opening her heart to learn about what she might say to herself and how he might treat her which actually causes her own pain. She will be open to her older self, a wiser mind, a higher self, to help her stay open to learning. She will choose to be curious about her own beliefs and behavior, rather than judge her husband.



When Florence moved to Step Two, she moved from being a victim and becoming a personal responsibility. This shift in intention will soon begin to change the interaction between her and John. When she changes her intentions from trying to control John with anger, mistakes, and complaints to learn about herself, her energy will change completely.



John will really feel this energy change, even if he isn’t in the same room as Florence. Energy is not local. We all unconsciously accept when others are angry with us and when they accept and love.



This shift in intention is very important to cure marriage issues. As long as your eyes are on your partner and you try to make your partner change to make you feel better, you will continue to have a relationship that doesn’t work. At times when you want to feel your feelings and be open to learning about how you cause them, you will see that your relationship improves quickly.



The shift from trying to control your partner and learning about loving yourself is one of the biggest changes you can make in your relationship.

In Sections 4 and 5, I will continue with the Six Steps of the Inner Bond, showing you how Florence used these powerful Steps to heal her relationship with John.



Marriage Issues, Part 4

In Part 1 of this series, I describe the anxiety and depression and swallowing that underlies relationship problems.


In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offer a simplified version of the Six Step healing process from Bonding In:

1. Willingness

2. Choose an intention to study

3. Dialogue with feelings

4. Dialogue with Your Greater Strength

5. Take loving action

6. Evaluation of actions.



Part 2 explains what it means to be in Step One what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, instead of resorting to behaviors that protect and control.


Also, Part 3 illustrates what it means to be in Step Two – choosing an intention to learn – using Florence and John’s marriage as an example.


Likewise, part 4 continues with Florence and John, describing how Florence used Steps 3 and 4 of the Inner Bond to deal with issues in her marriage.


In Step 3 of the Inner Bond, Florence investigates her beliefs and behaviors that cause her pain. From somewhere in compassion and curiosity, she dialogues with feelings of anger, solitude, fear, and revenge. Imagining that he is a loving parent who talks with an injured child, Florence asks the question of her Inner Child:


Loving adult James: Little James, what do I think or do that causes you to be so sick?


Inner Child James: You keep telling me that your husband doesn’t love me anymore. You scared me so much. Every time John works a lot, you tell me that he works because he doesn’t love me anymore – that if he loves me, he will spend more time with me. You keep telling me that there must be something wrong with me because John works a lot.



Now Florence moves to Step 4 Dialogue with High / High Self Strength. She imagines her personal concept of a Spirit God, Goddess, her High Self, a mentor or an inner teacher, or a spiritual guide.

Then she asks her leadership: What is the evidence about the idea that if John works late, he doesn’t love me?



She is relaxed and open, moving out of her thinking mind and letting the information come from her Guidance. This guidance is always here for us and we can access information when we are open to learning about the truth and about acts of love for ourselves. It took some time, but finally, Florence received the following information:



Higher Guidance: Sometimes John late because he has a lot of work to do and has nothing to do with you. Sometimes he works late because he is afraid of blaming and nagging. He loves you, but he doesn’t always feel loved by you, and the way he deals with feelings you don’t love is to stay away.



One of the ways we know what’s right and what’s lying is how it makes us feel. When Jumoke told herself that her husband did not love her, she felt alone and scared. When she told herself the truth above, she felt clear and peaceful.


Florence asks her guidance: What is a loving action for me? What actions will be my highest good?


Higher Guidance: Instead of focusing on what your husband did and how much time he spent with you, focus on what would be nice for you to do when he was late. Delay gives you the opportunity to catch up with your friends, read, and do creative things that you like.



You can also take the dance class you want. You will feel much better when you only take care of yourself rather than making John responsible for you. He will want to spend more time with you when he sees you happy than when you are always unhappy and complaining.


Recommended: Solving Common Relationship Problems


In the last part of this series, we will see what happened to Florence as she moves through Steps 5 and 6 of the Inner Bond.


Marriage Issues, Part 5

In Part 1 of this series, I describe anxiety and depression and swallowing that underlies marriage problems.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offer a simplified version of the Six Step healing process from Bonding In:


1. Willingness

2. Choose an intention to study

3. Dialogue with feelings

4. Dialogue with Your Greater Strength

5. Take loving action

6. Evaluation of actions.


Part 2 explains what it means to be in Step One what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them; instead of resorting to behaviors that protect and control.


Part 3 illustrates what it means to be in Step Two – using Florence and John’s marriage as an example.


Part 4 illustrates how Florence uses Steps 3 and 4 of the Inner Bond to deal with issues in her marriage. Find her beliefs and behaviors that cause her pain, and find loving truths and actions.


Now Florence moves to Step 5 to take loving action. She stopped nagging John and began taking care of herself. Instead of always waiting for her husband to come home, she plans to have dinner with her female friends. When she returned from dinner, she was happy to see John and he was happy to see her. She was especially happy to see that he was happy rather than angry with her.



She enrolled in a dance class and returned to practice the piano. At night when she has no plans, she reads mystery novels that she likes. She stopped telling herself that her husband did not love her when he worked a lot.



When she takes this loving action in her own name, she moves to Step 6 of the Inner Bond – adjusting to her feelings. She noticed that she no longer felt anxious, alone, and resentful. Instead, she feels happy and peaceful regardless of whether or not her husband is there!



To her surprise, she discovered that her husband is no longer worked for hours. She saw what his Guidance told her was true that her husband loves her and wanted to be with her; but not when she needed and hated. By taking care of herself, she has completely changed the dynamics of the relationship between her and John without ever talking to him about it!


Recommended: How to Keep Your Marriage Healthy


By taking care of herself instead of making him responsible for happiness and pride, the issues in her marriage are the way to healing. As long as she rejects herself, she will be reactive so that John is not there. With no longer leaving herself, she no longer felt abandoned by her husband.



While John hasn’t done his inner work to cure her anxiety, his fear diminishes because of Florence’s pitying behavior for him. Because his fear was no longer triggered by Florence, he wanted to spend more time with her. In order for his fear to heal, he needs to learn how to care for her lovingly in the presence of other people’s anger and criticism.



If he learns to practice the Inner Bonding process, he can learn how to do this; but his wife has no control over whether he chooses to do his inner work or not. As long as Florence continues to care for herself lovingly, she can create her own happiness in her marriage; and not be invested in whether her husband opens up to learn about himself or not.



If he continues to work for hours and not showing a closer relationship with her, she may leave the relationship. But most people go too fast. The time to go is after doing the inner work needed to develop a strong inner adult; who is able to care for yourself lovingly. If, after doing this for a good period of time, your partner is still angry, you might consider leaving.


Often, only one partner is needed to change the dysfunctional relationship system. Before deciding your marriage will never be the way you want it to be, try practicing Six Steps Inner Bonding. You may amaze by the results!

3B Olusegun Oluseye street, Lagos, Nigeria
Ayodele Taiwo is a graduate of the University of Ado Ekiti( now Ekiti State University) Nigeria. He holds a bachelor's degree in Business Administration and Management.If you are searching for a reputable and professional writer with a proven track record to produce high quality and exceptional articles for your blog. Contact me to discuss your need now!I am also available for your proofreading, Article writing, Editing, Copywriting, Web content writing, Guest posting, Ghostwriting, Article re-writing, etc.

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