Protecting Yourself from Marriage Problems
In present times, nearly nobody deliberately enters a marriage they know to be dangerous or full of problems. However, over time a lot of women find themselves in a situation they realize is beyond their control or simply not an environment they are comfortable in. It can be difficult dealing with divorce or separation in a violent marriage, but you can quickly get out yourself from the situation officially and without expensive legal fees by spending a bit of time exploring your choices online.
Table of Content
2. Protecting Yourself from Marriage Problems
3. Marriage: Commitment Errors
4. Common Marriage Problems – Neglect
5. Confide For Less Anger In Your Marriage
6. To End or Not to End Your Relationship
7. How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor And Save Your Marriage
Making the Decision
It may take you a long time to recognize your marriage is devastating your spirit or is outright dangerous. More often than not women looking back on the years together can see signs of emotional or physical abuse for long before the first fist flew or she gets to the breaking point from verbal abuse and insinuation. No matter how long you’ve been in a bad situation, there is no need to stay there in spite of your fear.
Most women stay in a marriage longer than they should simply because of the sake of their children or out of trepidation of being alone. Although both of these are valid arguments, they are not powerful enough to let a dangerous man in your life or your children.
Staying for the Children
The most general argument for continuing in a marriage, especially from mothers, is that their kids need a father figure. Although studies have shown that strong, intact marriages are really helpful for children, an unhealthful family environment is likely putting a great deal of strain on your children more than separation and move would involve.
Children, even infant, and toddler are very astute. They may not understand all the words in a quarrel, but they do understand and react to tone. And if your home is full of shouting, arguments, and insults, your child is open to that even though you try to keep it from him. Not only do children aware when there is a problem between their parents, but they are also studying behaviors from you and your husband all the time.
If your children see that a man can hit his wife in anger and just make an apology later without recourse, you’ve successfully taught your children that hitting is okay and that physically controlling a woman or being controlled by a man is just the way of things. Telling your children not to hit their friends or siblings is an arguable point after they see violence in their own home. The same can be said for verbal abuse, name-calling, and shouting.
If your child is in danger of physical or emotional abuse, you are liable for removing them from that situation without delay
Marriage Problem: Being Alone
If you are in a relationship, even a terrible one, for a long time there is absolutely a concern about suddenly being alone. This fear is made worse if you’ve been out of the labor force to raise children at home. Though this fear can be crippling, don’t let it be. Stretch out to a shelter or the public center that helps women finds two feet to stand on while they arrange restraining orders and divorce papers. A shelter or community center can also offer you legal counsel and help you make a new start away from your current situation.
Marriage Problem: Take Action
If you cannot meet the expense of a lawyer or simply don’t know where to start, order a cheap packet of legal documents from a trustworthy online source. You can get restraining orders, child custody documents and the papers you’ll need to start divorce proceedings.
If the thought of divorce is still too irresistible, begin with an easy step get you and your children away from the negative influence and at least start exploring your options. You may be due for half of all assets and earnings in the marriage.
Restraining orders are a rational next step to keep you safe from any reaction on your husband’s part, and then official separation or divorce will give you a clean start down the road. The most vital thing should not be filing legal paperwork, however. What’s really important is that you act accordingly to keep you and yours safe.
Marriage Problem: Commitment Errors
COMMITMENT: A ten letter word consisting of 3 vowels and 7 consonants; a word that signifies amalgamation, faithfulness, monogamy, togetherness, love, mutual respect and possibly all those precious feelings which we hold in such high esteem. It’s a word almost always linked with marriage; a word that means so much in theory. however, in practice is typically reduced to a mere string of alphabetical letters.
Marriages these days are the breakdown for lack of commitment. So why did you get married in the first place when you know you will not be loyal? Most ‘present-day’ women, it looks as if they have turned into ‘Desperate Housewives’. The infamous line of “It meant nothing. It was just sex’ is the hum. Yes, times are hard, there is too much temptation, we are just human, and we all make mistakes. But there are some who really think it’s OK to sleep around because it really is just sex. In the end, they are going home to their spouse; they are providing for their spouse, they are ‘committed’ to their spouse. So what’s the big deal?
The paradox is it is a big deal. Because commitment is obviously no more what it used to be, the word has developed a whole new meaning. It’s seldom about being together in bad health and good health, for richer or poorer etc. in the present day, it’s about self-seeking. Marriage now rests on ‘convenience’.
Confusing the C word…
Mention the ‘C’ word and you are going to get various responses. A sexy shock, who has been in a couple of high-status romance says, “It means all to me.” Likewise, her equally sexy sister says, “It’s now become a word”. Another heartthrob openly acknowledged it six months ago, he would have been working his attraction on the ladies but at present, he is in a serious relationship and doesn’t want to break his sweetheart’s heart, particularly since his track record sucks!
A young man genuinely feels ‘he can keep sex and love separate’. He believes that he can never love another, yet he has wavered on occasion just for physical reasons. He calls it ‘A temporary flirtation’. His lifetime “commitment” is to only one lady. What does this demonstrate? Sheer confusion and a perverted sense of values!
You don’t need to fear, for there is hope. Funke and Abayomi, a married couple, say you will never fail if you marry your best friend. They would never neglect each other’s trust. Adebayo, who has been married for five years, explains although there is a temptation, he would never cheat on his partner just because of his faith in God and respect for his spouse. Adefemi can’t tolerate the thought of his wife cheating on him. Is he tempted? No, because the absolute thought of her leaving him along with the children, if he ever falters, is worse than death.
There are others who are fearful of ‘settling down’. Adebanjo, 40, remains a bachelor because he is not ready to settle down. He is an implausible man who has the quality of being friends with every single one of his ex-girlfriends, just because he has never lied to them about ‘commitment’. Today, the ‘C’ word has several meanings. One only hoped it wouldn’t like multiple partners!
Why people stay in a marriage or in a relationship?
A relationship depends on how one views it. When married, it becomes a special investment, which also has religious undertones. Being with a person for a long period of time gives rise to emotions like love and affection. So people are compromised at the sake of their values. Also, a sense of security comes into play.
Why are people scared of making a commitment?
People afraid of committing generally suffer from some deep-rooted emotional problems. A primary sense of insecurity could also result in a situation wherein a partner is not ready to commit. While you can’t say whether its men or women who are less likely to commit, the clearest reason as to why people are afraid to commit is the lack of mutual trust.
Common Marriage Problems – Neglect
It is very simple to work your life away, forget about your relatives, your spouse and your relationship. People putting work before the family is such a common marriage problem that appears to pop up all the time.
It’s ok for a while, your spouse will know that you have to put some time and effort into your career particularly if it produces a good income but as time goes on and the word pops up again and again, even though your partner likes the benefits of your hard work, all patience fades and the realization sets in that work is more important!!
I used to know husband and wife who spent most of their life apart. He worked nights and she worked days. She liked spending the money that night shifts produced, loved new shoes, a new vehicle and all the little luxuries a happy lifestyle brings but hated her husband being tired when he was at home.
They were between a rock and a hard place with him meaning that if he gave up nights bang went the luxuries and more than likely bye bye wife but if he continues on working nights and pushy for promotion he was dead in the water anyway. What a choice. Needless to say, they never reached an agreement, she didn’t want to wait for the promotion and a return to day shifts, so their marriage came to abrupt end.
Working extremely long hours, traveling a lot and continuously leading separate lives is bound to put tension on your relationship and it has proven to be a real relationship killer, a general marriage problem that is abundant in the career society. Just look at the number of people that are fond of long unsociable working hours and then see how many of them are still married.
I have never met a number of couples who are really comfortable with, at best, a weekend relationship and these are couples that educated and are happy to live independent lives. The problem in their relationships will start when the long hours and traveling comes to an end and they must learn to live with each other 24/7.
How many couples spend their whole life at work, hardly ever seeing their children and having little time for their partner? Their spouse so often feels abandoned, long for adult company, and as time goes on, the abandoned spouse’s cries go on disregarded the relationship starts to wither and fade and the couple tends to grow apart.
When kids are involved it is even harder with just one spouse having to confirm they are around. That they are the ones there in the mornings and there in the evenings and that they alone need to turn their whole lives around kids and school. Again this strain on one spouse is all too common, a marriage problem that appears to be overlooked by partners who prone to avoid their duties under the ill-advised understanding that their spouses can and are happy to cope.
Those early years, when your kids are growing up are very special and are years that can never be recapturing. They aren’t years that need to just pass you by at your desk under the sham notion that next time your kid wants you it will not be the same, you just have to clear this project and then the next and then the next. It’s never any different.
Children strive with the idea of work being more important than them and what is going on in their lives. They are too young to know the idea that their parent is just short-sighted, possibly baffled as to what should take priority in their lives. Money doesn’t mean much to a child.
When work takes over your life, regardless of what your best intentions are if your dream isn’t to recognize and accepted by your family and they are not 100% support you all of the way they will start to dislike the time you spend at your desk rather than with them. They will feel neglected, unwanted and despised.
If you want to turn your life around a work driven situation you should ensure that your spouse has similar consuming driving ambition. If either one in a relationship believes that work has taken over the family life it is time to take a seat and discuss what is important to both of you. Reflect on the issues, understand the thoughts on both sides, think about the kids and do what is best for the individuals, the relationship and the family in general.
Solve this common marriage problem before it develops into something more serious don’t lose your family over something you perhaps will learn to regret, save your marriage before it’s too late.
Confide For Less Anger In Your Marriage
Ayodeji and Opeoluwa have been married for 19 years, and mostly love each other, yet have been quarreling over the same matter most of the night of those years: She likes using a fan at night but her husband does not like it. She had just switched on the fan in their bedroom for the night. When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard Ayodeji switched off the fan.
Let’s listen in to see what we can learn from this argument.
Opeoluwa (to Ayodeji) “I can’t sleep unless the fan is blowing. You know that, but insist switched off the fan every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish.
Ayodeji: (to Opeoluwa): ”This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. Do you want me to get sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!”
(Switched off the fan)
IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
It depends on the exact marriage. For some couples, the way out would be a simple compromise of some sort; for example, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.
In most marriages, however, a marriage problem like this is not easily solved. It becomes continuous and trying to solve it only leads to anger and stress. For Ayodeji and Opeoluwa, this, unfortunately, was the case.
Why is a simple marriage problem like this not resolvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the common causes are:
(1) The couple is engaged in a power struggle. Meaning that the fight is not about the issue anymore it is about who will win or lose.
(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is expressively tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more force put on someone to change, the more the person refuses to accept
For example, turns out that Opeoluwa literally fears if in a room without airflow owing to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow factually makes her want to brawl for her life.
CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let us now listen in on what Ayodeji and Opeoluwa could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are talking from their hearts combining understanding (seeing things from the point of view of the other) with self-assured communication (frankly speaking your emotions and thoughts in a forthright manner)
Opeoluwa (should have said something like): ”I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, though I’m not happy that you have to suffer. I believe that if you truly loved me, you would want me to be contented at night.
I also feel that why should I always concede defeat? All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I doubt if I am being too selfish”
Ayodeji (should have said something like): ”I really love you and I want you to be contented too, but it too cold here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and we should able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to talk about it so it doesn’t make us so angry at each other.”
Granted, it is difficult to confide when in the heat of marital conflict. Therefore it is always better to first take a break, settle down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:
Recommended: The Important of Sex In Marriage
FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS
Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also speak your feelings, thoughts, and inner difference surrounding the matter. Disclose what is going on in both your mind and your heart.
Tip 2- Observe how you talk to each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the course of communication.
Tip 3- Give in needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have revealed that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!
Tip 4- Convey to your spouse that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.
Marriage Problem: To End or Not to End Your Marriage
Modupe, 31 years old, is struggling with whether or not to end her nine-year marriage. She was not sure about the answer.
Modupe and Tope have a good marriage. They are considerate and caring for each other. They like many of the same things. So why is Modupe in such tumult over whether to stay or leave?
The problem is that Modupe is very lonely with Tope. They are good friends, but they are not expressively close. Tope has no desire to share any of his thoughts with Modupe, nor does he have any desire to understand Modupe feelings. He is happy to keep everything on the surface, while Modupe wants a deeper emotional connection.
While they have many good things in their marriage, Modupe has decided to try marriage counseling, and Tope has agreed. Counseling or not, there is only one thing that can save this marriage Tope and Modupe shifting out of their intention to guard against pain and into a plan to find out what is loving to themselves and each other.
Tope goal has always been to protect against pain rather than to be taught about being loving to himself and others. He has done this by deadening out his feeling with marijuana and work. Tope choice to continue to protect against pain or to start to open to learning from his feelings will decide the result of the counseling.
Modupe, too, has operated with the aim to protect against pain. She has disregarded her own stance and been a good wife, submerging her own needs to abide by what Tope wanted. But at some point, she changed her intent to learning about what is loves to herself, and now she discovered she cannot keep on emotionally detached marriage.
The issues in your relationship may be about emotional detachment, lack of love, sexual problems and regular fighting. There may be control and battle occurring around many various issues. Yet the fundamental issue is a lack of open and caring communication. And open communication occurs when both people have a real intent to learn about their emotions and resultant unloving behavior.
If you are thinking about leaving your relationship, first think about your own goal. Are you open to learning about your sentiments, beliefs, and conduct? Or, do you dedicate to protecting against pain with fury, withdrawal, confrontation or caretaking? Are you avoiding your feelings with substances and actions? The first thing you have to do is taking care of your own intent.
Once you are open to learning for some months, and actually doing your inner work, then, reconsider your relationship. Has anything changed? Is your spouse more or less disposed to you? Are you talking more and quarreling or withdrawing less?
If things are not getting better or are getting worse, then it is time to ask your spouse if he or she is ready to do some curative work with you through counseling, workshops, and reading books together. If your spouse refuses to start a learning journey with you, then it is certain that this relationship will not change. At this time you need to either totally accept it as it is or leave it. It will not become the relationship you want it to be except both of you are open to learning.
If one or both partners remain in the intention to protect, the relationship will not heal. Yet most relationships can be healed when both people are intensely dedicated to learning about loving themselves and each other.
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Finding A Good Marriage Counselor And Solve Your Marriage Problem
Have you ever stayed awake throughout the night thinking about whether your marriage will last or not?
Marriage problem signifies various kind of feelings. Hurt emotions are the most common but it can lead to sadness, fear, suspicion, and rage. These feelings can be disturbing to your goal of making romantic love and finally bringing it all in damage. As a result, it can take you to hurt experiences you can never accept at all.
This kind of situation can make you go mad thinking how can you perhaps save it in due time. Marriage in the problem is very disheartening thinking what went wrong. It makes you recognize what is happening, though you are expecting that all is well in spite of some differences.
Similarly, in marriage, you just know that it’s not going to be a great one. You made every effort to make sure all is well but still, some are not quite enough. But then you think it’s not a problem at all it’s a course of accepting, learning and most of all love in spite of weaknesses.
HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MARRIAGE PROBLEM
In dealing with marriage problem, you can look for marriage counselors though you better find a good one. A good counselor helps guide a couple through emotional pains and talking about some tips to excite the couple. Counselors guide couples in understanding the massive strain in facing one of their greatest crises to date. When one or both partners become emotionally disturbed, a good counselor must have the ability in treating emotional reactions successfully.
A good counselor should know how to pacify the couple and assuring them that it’s not a bad incompatibility. Counselors occasionally obtain special training for many common nuptial problems, such as sexual Incompatibility in which this is one of the reasons why couples fall apart- like having an affair. Also, financial issues can be another factor in which one of the partners is not financially stable.
By finding your favorite marriage counselor, there are many ways of discovering them. You can ask your friends if they know a counselor that has successfully guided them. Also, you can find counselors in your yellow pages where some of their contact numbers and offices are listed.
Irrespective of your source of referral, you must be certain in choosing somebody who can truly help you. You should always remember that a counselor is who can help your relationship for you and your spouse. If possible, it’s much better if your spouse is an active contributor to treatment sessions.
By calling counselors at their offices, it is better to call one clinic at a time. Ask their respective helpers to talk to the counselor you are contacting by phone. Having introduced yourself and the purpose of calling them, you can ask these following questions:
How many years have you been a counselor?
What are your credentials (e.g. academic and masters degree)?
Do you help clients conquering and avoiding emotional disappointments?
Do you help in reassuring the clients to end the program successfully?
Do you suggest a different approach in dealing with solutions in any kind of marriage problems?
You can also ask other related questions provided that the marriage counselor knows what type of marriage problem you have. Lastly, for choosing your favorite marriage counselor you must let him/her know that you come for help in reinstating and saving love to your marriage. Since marriage is the most beautiful thing ever to happen in your life.